Like, if it were socially acceptable to write love songs to food, there’d be a heartfelt ballad called “Sweet, Sweet Custard (You Had Me at Egg Yolk).” It would start with a slow piano intro and build to a dramatic chorus full of emotional falsetto.

And don’t even get me started on chocolate custard. Honestly, if someone told me I could only eat one dessert for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t even flinch. Chocolate frozen custard, baby. Every. Single. Time.

Now, here’s the thing: I didn’t always make my own custard. Oh no. Sometimes, a lot of times, I let Freddy's or Culver's do the work for me and I just live my custard dreams.

Enter: The Ice Cream Maker of My Dreams

One magical Mother’s Day, my kids gave me the gift: an old-fashioned ice cream maker. You know the kind—big wooden bucket, rock salt, loud as a jet engine, powered by either a small motor or the boundless enthusiasm of children who think they’re churning butter on the Oregon Trail.

And let me tell you: I. LOVE. IT.

I mean, I love this thing like Oprah loves bread. Like Nicolas Cage loves overacting. I’d save it in a fire. I talk to it while it’s churning like it’s a beloved family pet.

So now that it’s summer and my freezer is doing its best impression of a corner store ice cooler, you know I’ve been cranking out batches of homemade frozen custard like I’m single-handedly keeping the dairy industry afloat. I’ve been buying bags of ice so big they require seatbelts in the car.

And honestly? I think you should be doing this too.

Because listen—frozen custard is just like ice cream’s fancier, creamier, silkier cousin. It’s got egg yolks in it, which makes it extra rich. And when you make it yourself, you can stand in the kitchen, spoon in hand, pretending you’re on your own cooking show while sneakily licking the pot when nobody’s looking.

So, in the spirit of spreading summer joy and questionable levels of dairy consumption, I give you: my homemade chocolate custard recipe. It’s smooth, decadent, chocolatey enough to send you into a blissful food coma, and best of all—it was born to be churned in an old-fashioned ice cream maker like the majestic one my kids so generously bestowed upon me.

Homemade Chocolate Frozen Custard

Ingredients:

• 2 cups heavy cream

• 1 cup whole milk

• ¾ cup granulated sugar

• ¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder (use the good stuff, you deserve it)

• 6 large egg yolks

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• ¼ tsp salt

• 4 oz semisweet or dark chocolate, chopped (optional but highly encouraged)

Directions:

1. Whisk like a maniac.
   In a medium saucepan, whisk together the cocoa powder, sugar, and salt. Add in the cream and milk, and whisk until it looks like something you’d drink on a dare. Heat the mixture over medium heat, whisking occasionally, until it’s steaming but not boiling (because nobody wants scrambled egg custard).

2. Temper those yolks like a pro (or at least like a mildly competent adult).
   In a separate bowl, whisk your egg yolks until they’re smooth and bright yellow. Now comes the tricky bit: slowly pour some of the hot milk mixture into the yolks while whisking constantly. This is how you avoid turning your custard into breakfast.

3. Back in the pot.
   Pour the yolk mixture back into the saucepan with the rest of the hot milk. Stir constantly over medium heat until the mixture thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon. If you run your finger across the spoon and it leaves a trail like a tiny custard road, you’re good.

4. Add chocolate and melt into bliss.
   Remove the pan from heat and stir in the chopped chocolate and vanilla. Watch as it melts into a beautiful, silky mess. Try not to cry. Or cry—it’s your kitchen, live your truth.

5. Chill, baby, chill.
   Pour the custard through a fine-mesh sieve into a bowl, just in case any rogue egg bits tried to sneak in. Cover and refrigerate until completely cold—at least 4 hours, or overnight if you have the patience of a saint (or, more realistically, if you forget about it until the next day).

6. Churn like it’s 1895.
   Break out your glorious, noisy, slightly over-engineered ice cream maker. Pour in the custard and churn according to the manufacturer’s instructions. This will be the loudest 20–30 minutes of your week, but worth every decibel.

7. Freeze if you must (or eat immediately like a champion).
   You can transfer the finished custard to a container and freeze for a firmer texture… or just grab a spoon and eat it soft-serve-style while standing barefoot in your kitchen, wondering if your neighbors can see you through the window. (They can. They’re jealous.)

Final Thoughts (and Mild Chaos)

So there you have it. Homemade chocolate custard that’s so good, you’ll start casually mentioning it in every conversation like, “Oh yeah, I made custard from scratch the other day. NBD.”

Is it a little effort? Sure. Does it use an unreasonable amount of eggs and make your sink look like a chocolate war zone? Also yes. But is it absolutely, 100% worth it?

You bet your sweet frozen buns it is.

Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be in the backyard with my feet in a kiddie pool, a bowl of chocolate custard in my hand, and a face that says, “Yes, this is my fourth scoop, and I regret nothing.”

Happy summer. Go churn something magical.